Adult Content: 6 Things I’m NOT Doing If I’m Not Wifey

Ay, before you get to neck-rollin’ or cursing at this here screen (or phone), these suggested rules are not MINE. They are compliments of The Fesh Express. I just happen to slightly agree.

Before I start, let me first say that I don’t EVER want to be called “wifey”. I don’t want to be married (@ least now), so let’s hold “wifey” until we elope. If you wanna call me “wifey” to your side joint or your homeboy, cool. Judge Me.

With that said:

1. No GiftsYou can buy me gifts if you want, but I will not be returning the favour. Call me a throwback, but there’s a limit to how much money I’m willing to spend on a man who I cannot call my own…going dutch on dinner at Swiss Chalet Panera Bread Wing Supreme is about it.

Adult content is after the skip, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2. No anal, no tossed saladand no va-jay-jay shots. Unless these acts are part of your normal, everyday, even casual hookups can ‘get it’ sexual behaviour, you should not be giving up these goods. Ultra VIP acts are for ultra VIP status and if you’re not wifey (or a real WIFE for that matter), he’s not VIP.

3. No sleepoversYou guys know how I feel about sleepovers. I hate them. I’m not subjecting my hair to the evil that is a cotton pillowcase for a dude who doesn’t want to claim me.

Compliments of Yosh, we bring you 3 MOE things I’m not doing if I’m NOT wife.

4. Home Videos– You’re not Benny Boom and you are certainly not watching me on your videophone. “Come on baby, I won’t show anybody. Don’t you trust me?” It’s not you that I don’t trust, it’s your memory. Next thing you know, ya homey is turning on the PS3 to play madden and my ass is in the air.

5. When did I become Joan Cleaver?- Ladies, stop trying to make a “full load” by washing some of his clothes. You are not his momma, nor “wifey”. Besides, you want to find numbers scribbled on the back of receipts or used condom wrappers? No? Ok then, leave it to Beaver to wash his own shit.
6. Ctrl+Alt+Delete- Let’s be clear that social networking has become a major issue in the dating scene. He logs onto Facebook and happens to see that your old boo has “Liked” a few of your pictures and even goes as far as leaving comments like “Mmm, I see things haven’t changed.” While you’re blushing, your kick-it baby is TIGHT! He even goes so far as sending you a message with “Why are you still friends with guys your used to date? You should delete them.” Thanks, but no thanks.