Episode 3–>Ochocinco: Ultimate Catch Recap

Guest blogger, Yosh, recaps yesterday’s episode of Ochocinco’s Ultimate Catch: Let me first start off by saying I think I should have sent in an audition tape because I’m not sure what the hell Chad Ochocinco was thinking when he chose these chicks! Last night’s episode of Ultimate Catch was a bit juicier than last week. I’m talking drinks flying, bitch-calling and the shallowness of Mr. Cinco himself. He decided to take #15 seed Katie, a 23-year old volleyball player from Texas and #2 seed Tara, 26-year old model from Cali. I’m going to go on record and say I DO NOT LIKE TARA. Seriously, I’m not sure why she’s seeded #2 and her phony ass Chelsea Handler act is killing me softly. Chad takes both these ladies on a private jet to Las Vegas, where they visit the beautiful Venetian hotel. Later in the date, he takes both ladies to Tao Beach where he treats Katie to a pedicure. Chad’s pet peeve is women with ugly feet and I must say, Katie’s feet looked like she was driving the same car as Fred Flintstone. Can we say HAMMERTIME ? As they’re getting their feet worked on, Chad asked the Katie how she was as a person–she shares that a year ago, she turned her life around and lives by the bible faithfully. So you know what that means? No sex in the champagne room for you, Chad! No seriously, she stood her ground and let him know that no panties will be dropping on her account. To my surprise, Ocho finds it very attractive that she values her religion so much and reassured her it was not a strike against her. I’m not convinced, not one bit.

Katie

Next, he takes Tara to a private pool where they get all touchy-feely with his $38 million hands (I gagged). The first question Chad asks her was what her family would think if she brought him home and this wench has the nerve to say “My mom would say Oh! He’s black! Is he here to rob the place!” ***crickets***Yes, that was the first thing that came to mind for me, but for Ochocinco, not so much. He actually found her comment amusing! He gets a major 0_o from me for that one! Later in the evening, he takes the ladies to Azure for dinner and asked what their plans were with him–Tara uses it as an opportunity to take shots at Katie.

Back at the house, the ladies indulge in drinks and dirt as things get a little heated. The segment was edited so horribly that Lisa and Rubi starting arguing and Lisa. I guess this is the drama I was waiting for. After Lisa throws an avocado, Rubi takes a shot at Lisa and says “you should waste that avocado on your botched surgery on you stomach”. Boy did that piss Lisa off because she takes a bottle of sweet & sour mix and splashes it all over Rubi! Random and ridiculous.

The next morning, Chad wakes the ladies via Ustream and tells the ladies to go to the locker room to prepare for their group date. When he arrives, he lets the ladies know that they will being doing Yoga, which he uses to see which one of the ladies is the most flexible on the low. Ms. Marney, the yoga instructor, had me dying with her state of “Zen.” After Ocho got his little peaks around the different positions the ladies were in, Ms. Marney has them all do a group deep-breathing exercise and asked the ladies what they saw in 5 years. The most surprising response was Tiphani’s–“I see a Baby Chad”. In the words of Mr. Cinco himself, CHILD PLEASE! In real life, I would’ve sent that ass home! Instead, he takes #3 seed Courtney, a 22 year-old waitress from Ohio and #14 seed Crystal, a 28-year old teacher from Texas on a date. He takes them on a high speed boat ride to show them that life with him is the fast life. They go to a hotel where they change for dinner and discover a gift from Chad, a dress for them to wear at dinner. Based off of Chad’s history with women, we know he’s a wonderful gift-giver (men, take notes). (He showered Cheryl Burke from DWTS with a lot of Louis Vuitton and Christian Louboutins). Crystal’s ungrateful self complains about the $400 dress because it didn’t fit to her liking. (Another reason why I should’ve sent my audition tape –I would’ve thrown that dress on and wore it like it was the last dress I would ever wear.) So when they sit down for dinner, Ocho asks the ladies do they like the dresses, and of course, Crystal informs him that she would have preferred to bring her own dress. (This is where she should’ve put her foot in her mouth because he asks her does she consider herself high maintenance. Uhm, duh Ocho!) Anyway, he proceeds to ask the ladies if  they kiss on the first date–Crystal says no and Courtney says yes. Ocho is really bothered by Crystal saying no; she explains that it take a few dates for a kiss. Another Chile Please moment for the books! Crystal goes on and on about intimacy and how she has her guard up when it comes to men.

While the ladies are preparing for eliminations, Chad decides to ask the ladies who they felt out of the four, who should stay and who should be eliminated. Now mind you, there was already gossip around the house that Tara talks trash about Chad and Jasmine (how dare she have that name)–our hood homegirl, decides to let it ALL out! This causes a shouting match between Laurice (Tara’s bestie) and Jasmine. Jasmine even went as far as getting up in her face and repeatedly calling her a “bitch”.

Moving along…at the elimination ceremony, he starts with the red team. To no avail, he picks Tara to stay because of the great time they had in Vegas. Where’s my cardboard sign because that gets a big “C’mon Son!” is needed. He clearly wasn’t feeling Katie’s “no sex in the champagne room” and that’s why he sent her home. Katie’s last words “Chad’s not looking for love, he’s looking for lust” ( :: slow clap::). From the other team, he sends home Crystal because she has her guard up. So we’re down to the Elite Eight and I’ll be sure to tune in next week to see who moves closer to becoming Chad’s Ultimate Catch!